Subject: The children's relationship with a soon-to-be ex
Question: Dear Doctor Becky,
My ex and I have two daughters they are now 7 and 9. Our divorce has been final for over two years, my ex was married again in November of 2008, he is now going through another divorce and planning on marrying again as soon as his divorce is final. His new fiance lives on the other side of the country and an old high school friend. The girls have met her a few times in the past and have had a full day play date with his new fiance recently. That aside he is demanding an absolute cut off of contact with his soon to be ex. She loves the girls and they love her. She was their mother for over a year. At the advice of a child psychologist I agreed to assist in slowly "weaning" them off step-mom time, and that the visits would be supervised by me for a while and then the only contact would be e-mail or phone and then eventually no contact. After one supervised visit I felt like the odd man out, there was not negative talk about the girls dad...there was so many other things talk about, and the girls soon to be ex step mom (STBESM) is a child psychologist, doctor level. So a month later, after the girls cried themselves to sleep and called their STBESM saying they wanted a play date; I scheduled a play date I stayed for about 10-15 minutes and then they all went off to CPK for lunch. Two hours later I met them and we sat for 20 more minutes then off we went. The girls were happy and everything was fine. Once they got to their dad's and told him he went ballistic and has now forbid them from ever talking to their STBESM when they are with him again. I understand he wishes to get on with his life and start his next marriage but I worry terribly about what this will do to the girls. I think they need time to end their ties to their STBESM. I feel like we are dealing with two separate issues here and he just can't see that. What do I do now? How do I proceed to allow the girls closure, respect their dad, not build abandonment issues, anxiety and just to do the right thing?
Signed,
The Mom!
Answer: Hi Wendy,
My how divorce can weave a tangled mess ... what could be a neatly wound up ball of yarn ends up hopelessly snarled, snagged and stuck. And who does it hurt? The kids, of course.
I feel badly that you have to co-parent with this moron of a dad. If I was working with your husband I would instruct him to stop being so selfish and fearful, and to step up and do what it is loving -- which is to allow his children the space to love their (former) step mom. What do we teach our kids when we "wean" them off of people who are important to them and who cause them no harm? (It's so awful to ponder that I think I won't do it.) Because of geography, I would imagine that in time the kids will wean naturally from the step mom ... if so, fine, if not, let them stay in touch for goodness' sake.
But, from reading your letter, I imagine selfishness is part of who this man is. Why else would he march so many women through his girl's lives? This, and not allowing them to stay in contact with his ex, will teach them not to attach to important people who come along. By the time they start hanging with the newest one they'll have the attitude, "Why bother?" It's all so sad.
If I were you, I would throw out what the psychologist said about weaning them -- that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard -- as if they are animals or objects and not humans. When the kids are with you, allow them "normal" contact with STBESM ... unsupervised visits, phone calls, etc. When they are with their dad, he unfortunately may screw them up any way he likes, so long as it is not considered child abuse. Thankfully he has no say over what the kids do when they are with you, so long as it is not harmful to them.
In an ideal world you and your ex could negotiate and work this out, but he doesn't sound like someone who compromises. All this acrimony will certainly damage the kids, and for that, shame on him. Your children need as much love, support, and caring as they can get, and should not have to feel guilty about who they love.
I hope this helps -- good luck!
Doctor Becky
Name: Martha
Subject: Problems in marriage
Question: Hi Becky,
I have a question about relationships and especially marriage. When one spouse has a friend that does not like the other spouse and behaves in a very disrespectful manner towards that spouse and they will not behave, is it appropriate to expect that the other spouse discontinue his/her relationship with that friend?
I grew up with a mother who had many, many friends. She also was friends with the parents of kids who were very prejudiced and were mean and hateful towards kids they did not like because of their national origin. It is common knowledge that this family feels this way. I went through a lot of suffering in school due to these types of people. I found that my mother would never expect her friends to treat her kids with respect. She would rather keep her friends than sacrifice any friendship. I wonder what you see when people are married and this sort of situation occurs. Is it appropriate that the other spouse terminate a friendship with someone who who is mean and disrespectful towards the other spouse due to race, nationality or religion?
Look forward to hearing from you.
Martha
Answer: Hi Martha,
I was really sad to read about what you have been going through. Although you don't say, it sounds like you are of mixed race, or part of some cultural or religious group that is often subject to discrimination. I can see that from your childhood that this issue is a real hot-button for you.
I must tell you, Martha, my friends would never do what you write about because I select my friends very carefully, and those who discriminate are not welcome in my world. Those from the past who did that are no longer around, and my belief is that to associate with people like that lowers me and the positive energy I fight to have. I recommend you watch the movie, "Gentleman's Agreement," with Gregory Peck ... made in 1949, it won the Academy Award because of its theme of social justice ... it underlines that if you stand around, grin and bear it, back slap, and wonk when people denigrate others of different colors, race, etc., you are equally as guilty of prejudice as those who are open about it.
If your husband loved himself (and you) in a healthy manner, he would not allow people to be unkind and disrespectful to you or in front of you. He would correct these people, and if the crimes continued, he would end the friendship. You asked should you expect this? That is a tricky and complicated question, as I don't think you can "expect" things of others without their agreement. In other words, if your husband promised not to do it again, I think you can have an expectation, but not until then. I think you can look at it as what is the right or proper or loving thing to do, and tell your husband about how this situation causes you to feel. Any husband/spouse who would not take your feelings into consideration and empathize with you might be one you need to reconsider being married to, as it is most unloving when a spouse tells her husband she is uncomfortable in a situation, and then for him to ignore, minimize, or diminish her feelings.
You guys would benefit from some counseling -- a counselor will help him understand the ramifications of what he is doing, and how much damage he does when he doesn't validate you, and then minimizes how you feel. These kinds of situations do untold damage to relationships and he needs to understand that. A therapist would be a better bearer of this news than you, I suspect.
I hope this information helps -- good luck!
Doctor Becky
Question: So my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months which is a short time but we have been great friends for many years. He is legally separated and is wanting a divorce with his wife. They have 3 kids a 3 yr old and 2 yr old twins. I have spent time with them only once because they live in another state and his wife pretty much hates me. He sees them once a month and I always get sad when they come down and I can't spend time with them because he says its too soon for me to be hanging out with him and the kids because the ex wife is there also and it would be a slap in her face if we both were there together. Is it selfish of me to make a fuss about it? I mean he makes his kids sound like such a big deal so i mentally prepared myself to be around his kids and now when they come around I feel left out since I'm not allowed to be
around. :(
Answer: Hi Diana.
Thanks for writing and asking me this question.
Basically, your boyfriend is right on. What I consider in this situation is not so much what is healthy for you, but what is healthy for his children, which must be the top priority in such a situation. I tell my divorcing clients not to expose their very young children to their dates, even if committed as boyfriend or girlfriend, until such a point as you are engaged to be married or have specific and immediate plans to pursue a permanent life together. This is because children get attached to people who come along in their lives, and many times the relationships, while serious or well-intentioned, don't make it for the long haul, and so begins a parade of men and women in and out of the children's lives. This causes a wide array of problems including a sense of "Why care about her (my dad's latest girlfriend), she'll just be leaving anyway," to something even more problematic, "Why care about people, they always leave anyway." In these cases the children may end up emotionally disconnected.
Another issue is that the children are going through a major life change with their parent's divorce and their comfort level during this time is of utmost importance. The divorce and separation itself no doubt is already causing significant anxiety for them. Bringing new people into their lives creates an even greater level of discomfort or anxiety no matter how well-intentioned and loving someone like you is. Research shows that it takes about 5 years for children to become comfortable and at ease having a "new" person in the family. That's a long time to not feel comfortable in your own family or home.
Right now the kid's need a close and loving relationship primarily with their dad and mom. Your boyfriend is right to make this his focus for now. They need and will greatly benefit from a lot of his undivided love and affection.
One more thing, divorcing people can be very flaky and not certain of what they want for up to two years following a divorce. For them this is a crazy and disconcerting time. I would consider dating someone during this volatile and unpredictable time a high risk proposition, and if it were me, I would keep it a fond friendship until he has more recovery time under his belt.
I wish you the best and hope this answer was helpful to you!
Doctor Becky
Question: One of our customers, I might as well call him a boss, was divorced about a year ago and has a 15 year old daughter. He moved in a few months after leaving his wife with some bimbo who has kids from different fathers and is also recently divorced. I've always had issues with women who jump into a relationship and have men move in or they move in with men when they have kids. I've seen it often and it is generally a bad experience. Our boss wants us to go out to dinner, etc with the new girlfriend who he lives with. I'm not too impressed by her at all. She seems like a jerk and I don't have much respect for her. While our boss is wonderful and has been great to us, to the point we consider him a friend, I have a hard time pretending to like someone who I think is a tramp. I realize he can be looked down upon by moving in so quick with a woman like this, but it was a bad divorce where he lost a lot. This girl is 20 years younger than him and I think she's playing him. So another issue, I think she's a user!! He seems like a HS kid who is in love for the first time. I really don't want to go out even one night. Am I wrong to feel this way? What should I do?
Answer: Hi Lisa -- thanks for writing. I just signed up to be an expert and yours is my first question.
OK ... so, when faced with any obstacle a person has three choices. The choices are:
1. Accept.
2. Change.
3. Eliminate.
In this case this means you could accept the situation the way that it is. Let me help you with this one...
Know that divorce triggers all sorts of primal fears -- the fear of abandonment, rejection, and there are attachment issues playing a role as well. Breaking an attachment to someone you've been with a while is always extremely stressful, even when you know the break up is for the best. The combination of these issues (and more) mean that a person who goes through a divorce will be "off center" for about two years or so. In fact, I tell my clients to forgive the behavior of their divorcing friends and family during this time for they know not what they do, and i call it being temporarily insane, because basically that's what it is. (Forgive so long as the behavior is not illegal!) This crazy time is when divorcing men and women do things out of character ... like buy a motorcycle, get a tattoo, and yes, take on unexplainable partners -- sometimes doing this is a rebellion against conformity, as they are telling themselves that they have fit themselves into society's box for years, and now it is time to conform to nothing! As a result I have seen wealthy doctors date pizza deliver boys, housewives in gated communities date the yard man, and on and on ... but basically, how it goes is that anything goes. Don't worry, though, there is nothing you can do about this and almost everyone wakes up from this coma of craziness after about two years. With my own friends I usually go with the flow of whatever comes ... knowing that they will almost certainly come back to their senses sooner or later.
Now, about No. 2, change. The change part means you can tell your friend to change, or you can change the way you view the situation. As far as asking the friend to change, I think it is arrogant to tell people that you know better than they do, so I don't recommend this option. What you can do is approach it in a gentle manner ONE TIME as a caring and loving friend and tell your buddy that you are concerned about his relationship. If you do this, have no expectations as to what the outcome is. Just lovingly tell him and know that you did the best you could and that you were well-meaning. As far as changing how you view it, maybe you can tell yourself that he is going through a change and is supposed to be learning something. Lovingly allow him to learn what he is supposed to be learning.
Eliminate is the last and most drastic option. If you can't accept or change, then you eliminate. Eliminate what, you ask? The friendship ... or if he is like a boss and you can't totally break away, you can consider distancing yourself as a social friend, and just enjoy him at work.
One last thing. I'm not a huge fan of being judgmental. I see people who most of us might see as "messed up" as people who are emotionally wounded. Heaven forbid that we learn all the ways and reasons this person has been injured, neglected, and hurt in her life it is probably too horrible a thing to even consider. Any of us could have been subjected to such unspeakable cruelty. Therefore, I can find compassion for the emotionally wounded, and if they allow me, I can be tender and caring toward them. Have you thought of doing that with this woman?
Good luck to you and I thank you for sending in this question.
So Struggle readers, what do YOU think, did I blow it?
On the surface, you’d think that finding a relationship that’s mutually rewarding and healthy should be easy, but I can tell you that it is not, and here’s why … I estimate that people who are relatively intelligent and emotionally healthy comprise about 5 percent of the population – this is what I consider to be the only dating pool from which we professional women can operate. The other 95 percent must be avoided and can be identified by observing the following:
1. Still tethered to mom and/or birth family after age 35 – if they come first, you never will.
2. Over age 45 and having had either one (usually) short marriage and/or very few or no long term relationships. Don’t fret over not being able to grab this one, despite his age, this person, who physically looks like a man is still a boy.
3. Hangs with a bunch of guys who fall into # 2 listed above.
4. Brags about how his children will always come first. See explanation in #1 listed above.
5. You’re not sure what he does for a living. Sometimes he’s working, sometimes not, but whatever it is he does, there’s no name for it, when he talks about it you don't understand it, and no one has ever seen him do it.
6. He wistfully talks about the good old days when he used to be successful. Yes, my friends, when times were good, he says, he bought his women expensive jewelry and cars like they were a penny a pound, he traveled the world and had his picture taken with Mother Teresa and Nelson Mandela and they asked for his advice. But today, all he can give you is a toothpick after you pay for dinner. Don’t worry, he says, the good days shall return … in the meantime, can you loan him a hundred bucks?
7. Never ignores a short skirt, pretty leg, ample boot–ay, or upright boob size B cup and above. Oh, women hate it when this happens, so run!
8. Misunderstands most of what you say. Sorry, but there are a ton of men out there who look and dress intelligently but just don’t have many kilowatts upstairs. If you say, “I am looking for a man who is capable of emotional intimacy,” and he says, “I am very emotional,” run!
9. Smokes pot, uses drugs. Those of us who are still alive and lively appreciate men who are present, motivated, energized, and healthy. Pot suspends your ability to tune into other people. Need I say more?
10. Hates his job. If you don’t like what you’re doing, make a plan to do something else, then do it. Stagnation is a turn-off, and the top 5 percent don't do it.
11. Doesn’t monitor his health. He’s sick but he won’t go to the doctor. Girls, if he doesn’t get check ups and is allergic to doctors you’ll be dating a ticking time bomb, and worse, he's the type who won't get Viagra or Cialis when the day comes.
12. Never flosses. Run, run! Also, never kiss a man who doesn’t go to the dentist at least once a year. Why? Do I really have to answer that?
13. Unemployed trust fund kid. These guys have the bucks, but are as boring as freeze-dried hamburger.
14. Personalito Nondevelopmento. Speaking of boring …
15. Not curious. You’re together and he never (or barely) asks you anything about you – good Lord the minutes will tick by slowly with this one – and if not you, what is he interested in, anyway?
Although that is a long list, unfortunately it is not a complete list. I’m sure you will help me to think of some more. But the good news is that although 95 percent of men are like the ones listed above, we still have that allusive 5 percent from which to make love happen … stay tuned for my reporting on how to recognize the Golden Fivers …
Don't forget to add YOUR TAKE on how to identify the men in the bottom 95 ...
As I scanned the crowd at the outdoor garden event, I noted many who have been married several times, some who have given up on relationships altogether, a few confirmed singles, those going through divorce, couples married for decades, others in new relationships, and of course, a variety of singles who’d like nothing more than to meet someone special. With all of those many experiences and life stories, I wondered what collective wisdom they might offer to our friend as he embarks on this new chapter in his life ...
What advice would you offer, and how can my friend ensure that life with his lovely new bride is the best it can be? While I wait to hear what you have to say, I have a few nuggets of wisdom to offer …
Think We instead of Me. The happiest couples have a strong sense of us.
Make the relationship a priority. A relationship has to be nurtured along … you can’t just marry, forget about tending to it, and then expect it to grow and stay healthy. Many couples I see woo and adore each other while dating, and then drop the ball after the wedding or when children arrive. Bad idea. If careers, hobbies, parents, kids, or anything is put before your relationship, then you may well be writing the beginning of the end to your once hopeful love story.
Cherish and appreciate. Time and time again couples in my office complain that this aspect of their relationship has been lost, so take it from them, don't let this happen to you and keep this ever-present in your mind ... a woman who feels like her man values her will be thrilled to return the favor, and needless to say, he does this through his actions. Likewise, men tell me repeatedly that they want to feel appreciated and valued by their wives – if you have a relationship consider yourself fortunate and treat it like the precious thing that it is. Find out what makes your spouse feel treasured and do it as often as you can.
Learn to fight healthy. Yes, there are ways to rip each other apart and destroy your marriage, and there are other ways to disagree and make your concerns known without drawing blood. Learn how to argue fairly, maturely, and respectfully. Research shows that healthy marriages have 5 positive interactions to every negative one – keep that in mind as you communicate with the one you love.
Getting to know you. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you know all there is to know about your spouse. When you learn as much as you can about your beloved, respect and admiration will build. Shhh… here’s a secret that marriage therapists know … knowing and understanding your spouse builds a foundation of caring, and when couples truly care about each other it affects everything and a sound marital house is built.
Mesh your dreams. Couples can work with each other to make their dreams come true, and when they do it strengthens the fabric of the relationship.
Touch and kiss. Keep the affection you brought to the marriage. Hold hands, hug and kiss each other romantically every day – how about locking lips for at least 10 seconds?
OK, so there is my starter package of advice and wisdom for my newly married friend … do you have anything to add?? Any life lessons learned about relationships, marriage, and romance you’d like to share?
This is an issue that I see a lot, and it typically goes like this – frustrated parent brings in unmotivated child who has been grounded and punished into oblivion for not doing (insert issue here), and guess what – the punishment doesn't work ... that's right, even with all the negative repercussions, the problem not only doesn’t improve, it usually gets worse.
So what should a parent do?
First, a personal note to fellow moms and dads ... I am the mother of two (age 21 and 19) and raising them has been the most difficult thing I've ever done. I’ve screwed up and still make mistakes, but thankfully my kids (and yours) are forgiving and resilient, especially when we parents are flexible with can admit when we're wrong -- can you?
Now, back to business ...
Of course, when a teen won't cooperate, frustrated parents blame the child. They drag their resistant son or daughter in to see me, point and say, “Fix this person!!” Unwittingly the message to the teen is, "There is something defective about you."
What I know is that this is not a kid problem, it's a family problem. You see, teens are stuck in a dreadful neutral zone between child and adult. Part of them is a child with all of the emotions, playfulness and emotions, while the other part is an adult who wants all the things that adults want. This creates a lethal parental cocktail causing the teen to be dedicated to doing the opposite of what mom or dad wants. The reason is that the half child/half adult wants to be independent, but also must test whether the folks love him or her for what is achieved or who they are. When parents start forcing the issue of grades and things like how well they do in sports, talent, or other activities, the teen will conclude that the parent values achievement. This is depressing to them, so they decide to stop achieving and wait for the parent to show that their love and caring is unconditional. The parent continues attempts to force the child into achievement, horns lock, and the battle is on. In the end, the teen inwardly says, “I will not let dad or mom win.”
Parents need to understand that lasting responsibility and motivation comes from within, not from being controlled and policed ... and anyway, teens are smart and know what they're supposed to be doing. Most of them are not mentally disordered, just in need of acceptance. Pressure and high expectations from you, perceived by your child as "what can you achieve," or "do you measure up?" will likely be counterproductive – think about it – when your parents were nagging and riding you as a teen did it help you to become motivated?
So, mom and dad, this is one tough lesson, but when it comes to your teen, let go ... release ... and allow your child the space to create his or her own success. Forget the idea that you can make your teen do things … yes, you may succeed in the short term, but you'll be creating a whole new set of problems that resentment is likely to bring. Now comes the part where you can go to your teen and tell him or her that you have been wrong in your decision to severely punish, and that you will now be allowing them the power to decide their future.
If you release the need to police, your teen may fall on la butt. In this case, take a chill pill and know that there's nothing like hitting rock bottom or the fear of being known as a loser to create the motivation to succeed. No, its not fun for a parent to watch, but it'll be one of the greatest lessons your child will ever learn.
One other thing … when I’m working with teens who aren’t motivated, won’t sleep, go to school or do school work, I will ask for a medical evaluation to make certain that no biological issues are the cause. If this checks out and the child is healthy, I want to know also if they are motivated in other areas of their life. i.e. they hate school, but love their social life. If they are, then depression is not likely to be the issue. Still, parents should get their child assessed by a licensed therapist, and any interventions such as the "release and let go" are best done under a therapist's watchful eye.
I’d love to hear from other therapists and individuals about how they successfully or unsuccessfully handled similar issues with their teens … what did you learn?? Do you disagree? Cone on, let me have it!
A couple comes in for premarital counseling and the initial meeting is 90 minutes long. You listen to their story, address their concerns, and pretty soon into it you’ve found enough red flags and land mines to know that there is no way the couple should be planning on sealing a lifelong deal, at least anytime soon. Yet, you inwardly turn green when told that the nuptials are imminent ... so, what would you do?
A. Ignore the troubles. Offer them your blessing and predict a bright future of love and happiness.
B. Tell them you are worried about them making such a permanent commitment in the light of so many issues and ask about the possibility of marriage postponement, including counseling to work through things.
C. Tell them their relationship is a train wreck and unless something drastic changes their marriage is certain to be miserable and will most likely end in divorce. P.S. Please don’t have kids.
D. Run screaming out of the room.
So, what did you decide??
Obviously a therapist wants to be somewhat subtle in passing along the idea that the relationship needs reworking and tuning before signing up for such an important commitment as marriage. But when a ceremony is weeks as opposed to months away, I will be more direct, as in, “In my opinion, your relationship is already showing signs of imbalance and you are likely to have serious marital problems if you marry now, so I would advise you to work out your major issues prior to making a marriage commitment.”
Then the conversation typically goes like this …
“What? Are you talking about postponing the wedding?” Her eyes are wide, her mouth is open.
“It’s probably something you ought to consider.” I reach for my tea.
“Oh my God! My parents have already made their plane reservations. We’ve spent thousands on deposits …”
“I know but …”
“Do you know what you’re saying?” She looks at me from the side, her eyes narrow.
“Yes.”
“He may not want to marry me in six months if we postpone it now …”
“Isn’t it good to not get married if that is the case?”
“What will be people say? It will be so embarrassing!!”
“I was suggesting postponing the wedding, not canceling it.”
“Why can’t we just marry and do the counseling and repairing later?”
“You can. It’s just that will you do it? Will you see it through? Will you have the motivation? And what if the counseling causes you to recognize your incompatibilities, but now you’re married?”
“That won’t happen. We love each other. We are meant for each other. We will make it work.”
“OK, that’s fine, but I work with a lot of couples who have been in a similar place to where you are now, and who ultimately couldn't work it out and divorced. Divorce is exceedingly painful, but in the end, it’s your decision.”
“Wow. We didn’t expect to hear this today.”
“Would you want me to not tell you what I see? I thought that’s why you came here today.”
“It is, but … “
After a conversation like this, couples typically take it hard, and never come back. I totally understand this, but at least I can sleep at night knowing that I didn’t mislead them about the possibility of their relationship being a happily-ever-after one. My hope, of course, is that they get help and work through their issues, past and present, and it doesn’t bother me one bit that the work won’t be done with me. I imagine that if they don’t, months or years later, when the relationship falls apart, one or the other will say, “You know, years ago that therapist Doctor-whoever-it-was tried to tell us we needed to work through our issues, but we wouldn’t listen.”
So, armchair therapists, what do YOU think??
“Familiarity breeds contempt.”
-Mark Twain
One of my dreams as a Marriage and Family Therapist is to work with an architect to design a home conducive to healthy and happy family living. This concept is so fantastic that it will be incorporated as the new template for modern home building. As a result couples looking for a new home will demand the Happy Family Home Plan, and middle class America will change (for the better!) as we know it.
Sounds great, but the problem is that when I describe the actual characteristics that the house will have many people tend to resist. I know some folks have strong ideas about the way things ought to be, and it’s too bad so many are so quick to bat the idea down because I know what I’m talking about is a damn good idea.
So, without further ado, here are the qualities I feel the perfect family home must have …
1. His and her master suites. The idea is to maintain some sense of privacy and mystery. That’s right, each partner gets his or her own bedroom, closet, and bathroom. Marriage is based on the assumption that two people create a legal “business” or contract together, and are also supposed to be affectionate, loving and, hopefully, have sex. To me, it's not healthy for couples who are supposed to find some sort of romantic and intimate connection over the long haul to be around each other all the time. Yes, Ralph and Marie, watching your partner go to the bathroom, attempt to squeeze into pants or pick at their face is not conducive to the sort of lifetime romance I’m talking about. Each person having space and the option to connect is a healthy thing.
Which means that next I am calling for …
2. A neutral and kid-free zone for adult hanging out together. Call it a den, date room, or whatever you want, but this is the central hangout for the couple. It can have a huge couch or even a bed to lay around, read, watch TV, or snuggle, but whatever you use it for, it teaches children and adults about the importance of maintaining boundaries and separate spaces. Note to those who desperately cling to your kids: Sorry, the little ones need to know and respect that parents have lives and needs, too.
So just for the kids … their own lair …
3. A kid’s wing. In another part of the house there will be a magical place where kids will work and play. Ideally, the central room of the kid’s wing is a den especially for them with TV, computer, and a table big enough for board games and spreading out homework papers or science projects. Doors on the walls of this central room will lead straight into their bedrooms. Kids can either have a club or individual bath. With this plan kids can congregate or hibernate …
4. Toy/stuff closet. One room off the kid’s central room will be a closet where kid paraphernalia such as sports equipment, games, and arts and crafts projects can be organized and stored.
5. Kitchen/family room combo for family gathering and congregation. A nice-sized room that combines the kitchen and family room for family meals and general togetherness. I recommend at least 30 minutes of quality family time be spent here a day. That means being totally present and attentive with no TV, computer or cell phone interruptions.
6. Media Room with comfortable seating for all. Movies, concerts, TV, music … a family media gathering place.
7. Utility room. The place for dirty shoes, hanging coats, etc. Each person in the family will have his or her own large cubby space by the door to keep backpacks, books, purses, and briefcases ready to grab on the way out to work or school.
8. Library. Healthy families read, so we need a place to store books and reference materials as well as DVD’s and CD’s.
9. His and her office. In the old days dad got his own office and workspace in which to do his work – now mom and dad get it. This means work is done here and not anywhere else when at home.
OK, so beat me up for creating so many places for people to get away, but you must admit I also offer lots of space for togetherness as well. The important point is that each person in a healthy family needs his or her own space, and couples need individual and together space. A mature couple (and you have to be mature if you want a healthy family life) will be able to negotiate when to be or not to be without taking it personally.
I am very aware that the Happy Family Home Plan will cost quite a few bucks to build, so if you can’t afford it may I suggest another option – buying two homes side-by-side and living next door to one another. Oops – that’s the suggestion that gets me in the most trouble.
What do you think?
I’m not a social worker, and my practice is geared toward high-functioning people who typically make a good living … but it is interesting to me that so many with good incomes are barely making it, which causes me to conclude that in America the middle class has almost ceased to exist -- probably due to a lack of self control combined with the assistance of greedy credit card companies. Wouldn't it be great to see the middle class return and experience some of the things our parents did – savings accounts, trips, a new car every few years? So what’s keeping people who should be in the middle class so darn broke? And can't we come up with another term besides middle class since it just doesn't feel the same as it used to?
Sandra is a 46-year-old banker with a six-figure income. She is about to be laid off and is terrified of losing it all ... she blames herself and others ...
“I am drowning in credit card debt and I make a good living,” she says "I did all the stuff like buy a big house and car, then I wanted clothes and TV’s and whatnot, and before I knew it I had $50,000 in credit card debt. One slow payment and the rate got hiked WAY up, and I just don’t think it’s fair.”
I agree. Back in the late 1990’s I got to spend some time on Capitol Hill with lawmakers, and at many of the after work cocktail parties there were lobbyists from Master Card, Discover and Visa standing around like snake oil salesmen at a circus, and what they were selling was getting congressmen to sympathize with their need to gouge the public. If you ask me, these companies are some of the greediest in America – Discover charging up to 31% interest for consumers who exceed their limit twice in a year or miss a payment, and other cards charging up to 32%. This is why Americans are sinking downward and unable to get ahead.
“I want to pay for what I have bought,” says Sandra. “But with a credit card interest rate of 32% all I can do is service the debt, and not pay it down. It is so depressing, and then sometimes I absolutely must charge to get groceries or pay a medical bill, so it keeps adding up.”
What can Americans do? In the age of bailouts for corporations, I think Americans themselves should receive a consumer debt bailout that allows them to pay off their debts at a reasonable rate, and not at the insatiably greedy rates of 20% and above. I work from the idea that we want to pay what we owe, but for heaven’s sake let's not allow loan shark-like credit card companies to hold us hostage – the current situation is a recipe for depression and anxiety if ever there was one. Perhaps we need a rebellion -- let's raise hell until Congress gets it done.
I’m not an economist, but I have a friend who is. When I told him of my idea to have Congress put a seal on how high credit card companies could raise interest rates, to say 10 percent, he said it was a good idea.
“But it should be tied to the prime lending rate,” says Jim, my CFO friend. “Not just a random and concrete rate. Three percent over the prime rate should be about right. Anything over that is greed.”
So, Americans, what will you do to demand that credit card companies be reasonable?
“When I was younger, marriage sounded appealing. Of course I had seen plenty of Disney movies where a man entered some forlorn girl’s world and turned it around to glitter, crowns, and lifelong love and adoration, but to me, partnering up with a man and experiencing life, love, family and maybe even growing spiritually and financially together seemed like an adventure I wanted to go on, and so I did. Three times! (long pause and a sigh) And so I’ve been single 10 years, and I want to hook up and commit, but I can’t go through another divorce financially, legally, or emotionally, and yet living with a man without some protection doesn’t seem like a fit either. I guess I want more and some sense of safety … so I’m in limbo …”
But you don’t have to be in limbo, Sandra, because Doctor Becky has an idea for men and women who believe they are through with marriage, yet want more, and the answer has been in front of our faces for a long time – the commitment ceremony.
Yes, friends, the perfect answer for those of us who don’t want to have kids but probably do have kids and want to keep what we’ve managed to scrape together so far, but still want to share with a partner on some level, is to borrow an idea from our gay friends and scream it to the world that we’re totally committed to the one we love, but for whatever reason, we don't want to legally wed.
“Commitment ceremonies mean many different things to different people. A commitment ceremony can look just like a wedding, complete with church, wedding gown, and hundreds of guests -- but no marriage license. Or, a commitment ceremony can be the most alternative event imaginable: a ritual to bless your relationship, or just a big party to celebrate your love. A commitment ceremony can be a huge bash with all your friends and relatives in attendance, an intimate exchange between you and your partner, or a family rite of passage to strengthen the bonds between parents and children in a new unmarried stepfamily. You can call it a commitment ceremony, a wedding, a ceremony of union, or anything else you like!”
Source: http://www.unmarried.org/commitment-cere
Unmarried.org sells books and ideas for people straight and gay who are interested in this sort of non legal commitment. I think it is time for society to offer all men and women alternative ways of being committed together without having to involve the county clerk and assumed legal entanglements that come with marriage – is there something wrong with specifically mutually agreeing about what we will and will not be committing ourselves to? To me, this is one way to create the safety some of us need to commit. And if a couple want to legally entangle and buy real estate – or anything – together, they can work out contracts as a brother or sister or friend and friend might do. What’s wrong with that?
I must admit as a participant in the dating scene, I have encountered numerous blokes who keep their hearts undercover and are emotionally unavailable (EU), and I’ve come to recognize some of their warning signs:
• Hasn’t had a serious relationship in a zillion years, if ever.
• Appears almost everywhere solo, or is seen with women who are also EU.
• Is seen frequently on the same stool in one or two favorite singles bars.
• Still pines for that great one that got away (who is now unavailable because she’s happily married, gay, or dead).
• After enough dates that you think you might care, he says something like, “I think I should tell you I’m not the marrying kind,” or “I just really enjoy my life on my own, thought you'd want to know," or, my favorite, "Sure we can be friends and hang out and date so long as you have absolutely no expectations and promise not to fall in love."
Gee, thanks. Now you tell me… ugh.
If I had my way, we’d round up all men and women in America who are EU and encourage them to once again come out and play. Of course finding love means taking a risk, but in business and love, the one thing successful people consistently report is that a day came when they had to take a deep breath, put themselves out there and take a chance, and now they’re glad they did. Yes, my friends, taking an intelligent risk can have huge payoffs.
So, life is a struggle, and whether you're EU or not, pain is unavoidable. If only people understood that in the long run hiding your heart causes more damage than exposing it. If a person can accept these ideas and swim with the flow of life's of ups and downs rather than against the current, then it can really mean the difference between living and existing.
You know, it's not such a bad thing to spend an entire day listening to Susan Johnson, the creator and brainchild behind Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Johnson is a genius and master therapist, yet she is engaging and funny to listen to. One thing I've gotten from her so far today is that she believes most relational problems are due to attachment issues, and that if we can get our relationships to a point where both individuals feel safe with the other, then magic can happen. I do agree that if we boil it all down, Johnson's mantra that, "What we all need is to know that you're going to be there for me," is vital. She says that humans have been in a trend of isolating and going it alone, and this creates health problems, misery, and shortened lives.
"We all need one or two humans in the world to care about us," she says. "We each need to know that we can reach out a hand to one or two people on the planet who will take it and squeeze back."
That, she says, is the key to thriving physically, mentally, and emotionally.
So ... do you all have that one or two humans on the planet that you can touch and who will be there for you?? When fighting life's dangers and pitfalls, knowing someone else is there for you means the difference of having a will to fight .. otherwise, what's the use?
Stay tuned for more live comments from Ft. Worth!!
Becky baby.. i read your blog!
Something is definitely up with that guy...i wonder.. does he take any kind of medication?
I know certain beta blockers can cause depression..
Shana
Dear Shana baby,
I'll write "S" an email and ask her about her husband's meds .. . together we'll solve this mystery! Stay tuned ...
Becky
Doctor Becky,
I am a 45-year-old mother of two wonderful teen age boys. My husband is 49, and not the same man I married. He used to be active and fun, but he is becoming more critical and sarcastic all the time. I can't remember a time recently when he laughed with our family. He snaps and barks out of the blue, and his comments offend others. He has added about 50 pounds to his frame in the last few years, and doesn't like to exercise to lose the weight.
One of my friends says it sounds like male menopause. What's that?
He won't see a doctor for his health or a counselor for his moods, because he thinks he is always right these days. Instead of apologizing for his comments, he says, "You shouldn't have taken it that way."
And more importantly, how can I help my two caring, big-hearted sons to stay the way they are, and not follow the example of their dad when they begin dating relationships?
Signed,
S
Well, it had to happen. One man read what I wrote about many men being emotionally unavailable, and responded angrily via email at becky@doctorbecky.com. Here's what he said:
Dear Doctor Becky,
Are you kidding me?? I just read what you wrote in your "men asking for help" (blog) column. OK, I admit most of us have that issue ... BUT ... has anyone told you how emotionally unavailable women are?? Dear Lord!! Maybe with so many of us men and women being unable to hook up (I suppose it is because we're off in emotional outer space) then maybe it's God's way of ending humanity as we know it. What do you think about that?
Signed,
Tom in D.C.
Dear Tom,
Wow, what a thought-provoking missive you have sent my way. Thanks for writing. Now, let's get to it ...
Uh ... well, I'd like to think that whatever person's spiritual beliefs (or not), people who think about things like this such as scientists, religious folk, and whoever is left, might be able to agree that humans are probably not meant to isolate and be alone. In fact, I think it's pretty common knowledge among sociologists and others who study too much that humans thrive when they have human connection, and don't when they don't. Humans are like plants and need water and sunlight, and if you put the plant in a closet and ignore it, it will die.
Now, as far as women go, yes, yes, many are emotionally unavailable, and I'd like to help my gender with that as I'd like to help men because I believe we all thrive and are happiest when we have human connection. Stay tuned here and I will address the HUMAN condition of withdrawing and isolating due to painful life experiences ... and stay in touch!
Dr. B
“Doctor B, I can’t seem to find my male equivalent,” she says. “I have been wanting to have a boyfriend and a committed relationship for most of the seven years I’ve been single, and yet all I seem to attract is men who aren’t solid mentally, they’re not commitment-oriented, or emotionally available. So many of them don’t take care of themselves as they should. What’s up with that?”
I really empathize with Andie. After all, I’m single and have had similar experiences, and yes, it gets frustrating … I mean, wouldn’t you think it’d be easy to meet someone who was just sort of healthy, available, and balanced?
Now, you must know that this conversation is not to bash men, because I love guys, and so do the women I talked to for this article. But I do think part of the problem has to do with the same reason that so many men (in the classic scenario) cannot bring themselves to ask for directions – it’s simply abhorrent for them to ask for help, and they prefer to figure things out for themselves.
To get some male backing on this, I called San Antonio psychiatrist Dr. Jeffrey Benzick. He said there is a survival of the fittest thing going on, and explained that since cave man days the strongest men were self reliant ... so all the dudes of today are just carrying the DNA of millions before them who valued doing things themselves.
"It is at least partially biological, I'm sorry to say," Benzick says.
So, doc, is there a pill for it? The way many women see it is that they don't care so much about the whys of it, they just know that this self reliance is keeping them cold at night. To them, both genders experience pain, loss, and disappointments that come with life, but a whole lot of females have long been sorting through and dealing with the baggage life brings, and since we have, we're feeling good and are ready to reconnect. The self reliant men aren't working on their mental and emotional health, and at the end of the day, all of us are needlessly alone, and that's sad.
Patti, a 57-year-old professional in Dallas, says the male predisposition to be self reliant is driving her nuts in a different sort of way ...
“I date men my age and a little older, and many of them are limping around in the bedroom, if you know what I mean ... and frankly, I’m sick of it” she says. “When I muster up the courage to ask them about it, I have yet to hear one say, ‘Oh yeah, I’m going to go to the doctor and find out what’s going on and maybe get Viagra to help me out with this.’ Instead, every single one has some excuse why he could never, ever use Viagra or any drug for ED (erectile dysfunction). It is so frustrating, but what can you do – date younger men, I guess?”
Uh, I hope not. So, I hear what Benzick says about why men have an allergy to seeking help, whether it’s mental, physical or emotional health, or even a style makeover, and I do agree with him. But I would also add that there are cultural pressures as well, including some nasty old stubborn pride – a characteristic found in humans that ruins more relationships than I can count. After all, in our culture it’s considered manly to be viewed as strong, perfect and infallible. To that end, American boys are often taught not to exhibit sadness, vulnerability or fear, as these qualities are considered to be weak, and folks, weakness isn’t manly.
You know," Benzick says. "Almost every man can remember the moment between age 3 and 5 when someone told him to be a man and to not cry or be weak. I remember that moment myself."
And of course, sometimes men do ask for help, because I can attest that there are some who come in for therapy. BUT, most of the ones I see have not been spending years and years on self improvement as so many of their female cohorts have. Instead, the majority come in for the first time between age 38 and 55, and only when they’ve just about hit rock bottom after not being able to cope or fix things on their own. Even then, so many come in once or twice, hear a few things, and figure that's all they need.
Benzick advises that men may need a little push from their women in order to get them to work their stuff.
"It does work when a woman says the relationship can't move forward unless he gets help," he says.
Yeah, but that's for men who are at least semi-connecting, so the question is, how can we motivate those who are mentally and emotionally hiding and isolating to get the help they need without them having to hit super-mega-lows? Do we have to have a government intervention and have vans drive around and pick up emotionally wounded and unavailable men and haul them off to physical and mental health camps to force them to get healthy? It’s just unfortunate that so many men wait such a long time to get help that could improve the quality of their lives and create the possibility for relationships whereas before there was none. If I could wave a wand over the male gender and change this about them, I would, because selfishly speaking, we girls are ready to connect.
So guys (and women, too!), what do YOU think?
When Bob sings, “I’m going out of mind, oh, oh, with a pain that stops and starts, like a corkscrew to my heart,” I can say that I know what he’s talking about, and many of the men and women who come into my office facing similar situations do, too.
As a therapist, I often sit with these people as they feel that corkscrew through their heart, and wish that somehow I could reach over and surgically remove that pain, although I know I can’t. What I know is that people who are feeling like that are passing through a doorway that will take them to the five stages of grief, and over the next (at least) two years they will randomly pass through denial, bargaining, sadness and depression, anger and acceptance. And acceptance doesn’t mean you don’t feel the pain and hurt anymore, it just means you accept that the person is out of your life and isn’t coming back, so it’s going to be a tough road.
The only good thing I know about going through that process is that this sort of grief is what creates empathy and compassion. There is no way any of us can go through that sort of situation and not come out the other side a deeper, wiser, and more caring individual. I know in my case, after having gone through it, when I hear that anyone I know is getting a divorce, I always call the person frequently and invite him or her to get together – let's go out, hang out, do something – even if it is just an acquaintance. I offer a safe place where they can talk about what they’re going through, and will never tell them to shut up, change the subject, let it go, or get over it. I do that because no one knows like someone who has been there that a person whose spouse has left the marriage is experiencing loneliness to the 10th degree, and would be the first to let it go and get over it if only he or she could. These people need angels to reach out to them, and who don’t judge them for the sad state in which they find themselves.
Although I believe Bob Dylan is the master of describing the phenomenon we go through when a spouse leaves, I am wondering how those of you who have been through it would describe it. I also wonder how you got through it, and what words of wisdom you would say to those who will be entering through that doorway in the days, weeks, and months to come.
Here are the lyrics to Dylan’s song … what would be your lyrics?
You’re a Big Girl Now
by Bob Dylan
Our conversation was short and sweet.
It nearly swept me off-a my feet.
And I'm back in the rain, oh, oh,
And you are on dry land.
You made it there somehow
You're a big girl now.
Bird on the horizon, sittin' on a fence,
He's singin' his song for me at his own expense.
And I'm just like that bird, oh, oh,
Singin' just for you.
I hope that you can hear,
Hear me singin' through these tears.
Time is a jet plane, it moves too fast
Oh, but what a shame if all we've shared can't last.
I can change, I swear, oh, oh,
See what you can do.
I can make it through,
You can make it too.
Love is so simple, to quote a phrase,
You've known it all the time, I'm learnin' it these days.
Oh, I know where I can find you, oh, oh,
In somebody's room.
It's a price I have to pay
You're a big girl all the way.
A change in the weather is known to be extreme
But what's the sense of changing horses in midstream?
I'm going out of my mind, oh, oh,
With a pain that stops and starts
Like a corkscrew to my heart
Ever since we've been apart.
I am 50 and I’ve been dating a 57-year-old man for two months who absolutely refuses to be introduced as my BOYfriend. Also, he dislikes the terms dating and going steady for people our age, saying the terms are juvenile. My question is, are there terms along these same lines that are more appropriate for the “older folk?”
Signed,
Not that old … yet.
Dear Not Old Yet,
Sounds like your beau has one of two problems … either he isn’t as committed to the relationship as you are or want him to be, and, therefore, cringes at the thought of being described as your boyfriend, OR he truly believes there are a set of terms for the more mature set that describe dating and commitment.
If he falls into the first category, I urge you to not waste your time and to find a more suitable gentleman who cherishes you and feels lucky to have you in his life … and trust me, there are oodles out there who will. You can tell who these guys are, because they will want to buy billboards and announce to the world via bullhorns and neon lights that they are your beau and yours alone. Most of these guys don't care what term you use to describe your commitment, they just want you to use it. Life is truly too short to waste your time on a person who is not enthusiastic about you as his partner – don’t settle for less.
If he fall into the second category, then I wonder why words and terms are so important? Does it really matter if he is described as a boy or man friend? If he embraces the relationship, then why not loosen up and accept a fun term such as BOYfriend or going steady? Is it that he is nurturing a shallow sort of ego and cares about maintaining a suave and sophisticated public image?
In the end, if he wants to call his dedication to you a red three-sided horse’s hoof, and refer to himself as your old man friend, paramour, Super Gramps, or Daddy-O, and what you’re doing together as going out, seeing each other, hanging out, or romantically involved, it’s less about the words than what the commitment is. I suggest you both sit down and come up with mutually acceptable words and phrasing and leave it at that.
Doctor Becky
- Do I know who the real me is?
- Do I live life using a facade?
- Am I afraid for people to know the real me?
- Do I lead a joyful life?
- Am I finding it difficult to pursue goals or to reach my potential?
- Am I stressed, depressed, or unable to cope?
- Do I have turmoil-filled relationships?
- Do I feel fear, shame, doubt, guilt, anger over past issues?
- Do I feel my life is not moving forward?
- Do I make decisions in my life based on fear, shame, doubt, guilt and anger?
- Have I lost the energy to do much of anything?
- Do I involve myself in relationships that weigh me down instead of lift me up?
- Do I feel I am not good/smart enough?
- Am I unhappy in my relationships?
- Am I unwilling to emotionally connect in relationships?
- Am I afraid to be alone?
- Do I stay in unhappy relationships because of my fear of being alone?
- Do I do things to please others instead of myself?
- Do I mold myself to be who others think I should be, instead of just showing the world the real me?
- Do I have lots of ideas but little or no motivation or follow through?
In counseling school professors hammer into our head that all of us, even counselors, should be in therapy as part of an ongoing maintenance and accountability process – no, being in therapy is not correlated to being crazy or a nutcase, but it is correlated to being healthier mentally and physically. Even when my clients finish the bulk of their therapy, I tell them they're not finished. Mental health is not a destination, it's a journey, and all of us that have it have to stay on top of it and be mindful and consistent in order to keep it that way. After a person completes the bulk of his or her therapy, I ask them to come in at least once a month so that we can make sure they're holding true to their new authentic and healthier self.
I'm wondering if anyone has any hesitation or biases about going to a mental health professional? Anyone had great experiences with it? Terrible experiences? Anything in between?
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doctorbecky- Becky Whetstone Ph.D.
- www.doctorbecky.com